


Mistakes Lead to Better Things

by TheRoomWhereItHappened347



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Comforting Iwaizumi Hajime, Fanon Oikawa is a lot sadder than Canon Oikawa, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Hurt, Hurt Oikawa Tooru, Hurt/Comfort, Implied homophobia, Insecure Oikawa Tooru, Insecurity, Iwaizumi Hajime is a Good Boyfriend, M/M, Metaphors, Nightmares, Oikawa Tooru’s Knee Injury, Oikawa overthinks in my fics, Pills, Pre-Established Relationship, Prompt:, Suicidal Oikawa Tooru, Suicidal Thoughts, The Author Regrets Everything, WARNING PLEASE READ THE TAGS, based after season 1, implied child neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27335605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRoomWhereItHappened347/pseuds/TheRoomWhereItHappened347
Summary: Useless.No good.Burden.He knew he wasn’t the best at volleyball and he wasn’t good enough to lead them to nationals, countless losses had proved that, but his thoughts were screaming at him and he didn’t know what to do.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995931
Comments: 6
Kudos: 157





	1. My Sorrow is My Secret

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Motivation grabbed me by its claws and this is the result. My thoughts earlier were...definitely something and boiled down to this, so I hope this is good! 
> 
> 2) This chapter happens around the beginning of their 3rd year and Oikawa and Iwaizumi are dating already. 
> 
> 3) PLEASE,, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, READ THE TAGS!!! 
> 
> 4) Enjoy the fic and leave a kudos and comment!
> 
> FINAL WARNING: mentions of-
> 
> ⚠️ Suicidal thoughts

He stared at the pill bottle sitting on the corner of the sink, too high to reach from his position on the floor.  
Pain medicine the doctor prescribed for his knee.

His crushing ambition served as his downfall and his facade could hold up no longer, downed by too many hours of pushing himself to the highest point he could reach. 

Icarus fell for the sun, they said.

He was Icarus and the sun was beating Ushiwaka, staying ahead of Kageyama and bringing his team to nationals.

The vines of weakness kept him bound to earth, letting him walk amongst others but not leap like others, like Iwaizumi or Ushijima. 

It wasn’t as if he didn’t lead a successful team, after all, Aoba Johsai wasn’t called the most connected team in the Miyagi prefecture for nothing. 

Who’s fault was it that they couldn’t go to nationals? Was it his? The team’s? Their opponent’s?

He didn’t know, and as much he’d like to kid himself he didn’t care, he really did. More than anything, he wanted the sweet taste of victory he sought out for many years.

When had volleyball stopped being a game and more of a lifeline?  
Too many years ago. Far too many years ago. 

It wasn’t like he could turn back now, not when his competitive streak had developed to the point of pushing himself to the brink every day until he thought he was good enough. 

The day where he allowed himself to do that hadn’t arrived yet.

‘When will you wake up?’ His thoughts asked him. ‘When will you wake up and realise you will never reach that point when you’re fighting against talent.’

He would never be good enough to reach the level of Ushijima and soar above the clouds of the Miyagi prefecture to reach the stars. 

Not when he couldn’t stand for himself. 

Not when he relied on Iwaizumi so much.

Amazing, incredible Iwaizumi. His best friend and pillar who didn’t let him drift in the vacuum of space that was his dreams and kept him aware of the present. 

What did he do to deserve someone like that? Someone who would willingly stay through the shit he made him go through. Was Iwaizumi willing? Did he stick around because he wanted to or was it out of pity? 

He glanced at the pill bottle again, this time crawling across the floor and avoiding his injured knee, it being too sore to place much weight upon.

He grabbed the bottle and unsealed the lid, pouring the white and red pills into his hand. 

How many would it take for him to succumb to the drugs? 

It took two to stop the pain...there were ten in his palm. 

How many people would miss him? 

His fangirls didn’t count, they didn’t know who he really was. 

The team, Makki and Mattsun...they would survive without him. He was deciding on who would be a contender for a new captain already and Yahaba was showing promise, but Iwaizumi would have to manage the year without him.

Iwaizumi...

Who would walk to school with him? Who would set the perfect set to him? Who would make up dumb things about Godzilla and aliens with him if Oikawa wasn’t there? 

Late night talks of stars and theories swirled in his head as he stared unseeingly at the pills.

His phone buzzed and his Star Wars ringtone played, showing the picture Oikawa had sneakily taken of Iwaizumi at the summer fair in their second year.  
Iwaizumi laughing -probably at something stupid that Oikawa had done- his smile contagious and eyes crinkled. 

He couldn’t believe he’d thought of giving that up, shoving that joy away and leaving him alone.

He poured the pills back into the bottle, leaving two out so he could take them in a few minutes, almost dropping them when his phone played the theme tune again. 

“What’s up Iwa-chan?” He asked, knowing his voice didn’t have the normal brightness it would have had. He couldn’t muster the energy to bring it back full force, but he was trying his best.

“I’m outside Trashykawa. You said you wanted to do a Godzilla marathon with me, remember?” Iwaizumi sounded irritated, but he really was worried; Oikawa had learnt about his roundabout way of showing it years ago. Oikawa was a sociable person, that was his nature, so Iwaizumi had every right to be worried. There were about 20 texts from him, none of which receiving a reply. 

“I’m pretty sure I said it was an alien marathon, are you sure you aren’t having hearing problems Iwa-chan?” He laughed at Iwa’s scoffing.

“Nope, fairly sure it’s you who didn’t hear me properly. Now are you gonna let me in or do I have to get my own key?” 

“Give me a minute, I’m doing my hair.” A lie, he’d done it once he’d dried himself from the shower. 

“It’s been an hour since we got back from practice, how long does your routine take?”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out.” 

A sense of normality. 

Thank God Iwaizumi brought it with him when he came over to Oikawa’s, he wasn’t sure what he’d do without it.


	2. Your Comfort Gives me Strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) So this has been waiting in my documents to be posted for agesss and I hope you enjoy it!  
> I got the idea from a TikTok (if you spot the lines then comment lol).
> 
> 2) This is my only on time post for angst week; I have 4 more exams and basically have no time to write until Wednesday if I have the energy, so expect a wait on the rest of the series.
> 
> 3) Leave a kudos and a comment and enjoy the fic!
> 
> WARNING(S):
> 
> ⚠️ Implied homophobia  
> ⚠️ potentially triggering (?) self doubt

Geniuses and the naturally talented. They pissed him off. 

He worked his ass off to get where he was yet others managed to get much further. 

He couldn’t say they didn’t work for it, because he knew these people practiced -albeit not to the extent he did- but it looked as if they had the easy route and easily-given praise. 

Praise. How often could he say he received that? 

If he considered his fangirls, then it was a lot. They complimented him on everything he did: serves, looks, a great (fake) personality...he betted they would compliment him for walking. 

If he considered the people significant in his life? Not a lot. 

Hell, Iwaizumi was the only person who he actually received it from, even if it was normally preceded or followed by an insult more often than not.

Praise from Iwa-chan, while rare, was appreciated and normally left him with a warmth in his chest.

His sister wasn’t around often, only dropping by a couple of times each month to leave Takeru with him for a few days or celebrate a holiday with them, so her praise wasn’t held in high regard.

His parents...their praise was non-existent. 

His father was never around, always busy with business trips or locked in the study, always on a call and never having enough time to have a meaningful conversation with him. That was normal at this point. 

His mother...she wasn’t around when he was home, the hospital being more of a home to her than the house she bought with her husband.

When she was home, she was cold and distant, never looking him in the eye with fondness like she did when he was a kid. It left an ache in his chest and visions of childish memories from a past life whenever she was around. 

He dealt with it. 

Iwaizumi’s parents were much better; they never came to matches, but they always managed to get possession of a DVD with a match on it and watched the replays with him and Hajime, praising them both. It made their praise believable.  
____________________________________________

Losing to Ushiwaka again wasn’t meant to happen. Losing to Shiratorizawa wasn’t meant to happen. Not again. 

He glared at the gym floor, wanting to melt it so it felt his wrath, but that was unreasonable and made it too obvious that he was upset, so he took a breath and looked at his team, replacing his emotions with a well-crafted mask. 

“You all did well today and I’m sure you’ll need a good rest, so Saturday practice is cancelled and Sunday practice won’t start until 10.” He knew he sure as hell would need the rest, his knee was throbbing and Iwa-chan would kill him if he overworked himself again.

Coach Irihata dismissed them, only keeping Oikawa back to run through when they would go over the tape and when he would be fine to play, considering his knee and all. He must’ve been showing it a bit more than he thought. 

“What took you and coach so long?” Iwaizumi asked as they walked out of the school grounds.

“He wanted to go through what we would be doing on Sunday, nothing much,” Oikawa bit his tongue to stop himself from yawning, the amount of energy he lost finally giving its backlash. 

Comfortable silence remained as they walked home, only interrupted by the soft hum of a car passing by.  
Slowing down as they reached Iwa’s house, Oikawa noticed the downstairs lights in his own house were on.

“Mum’s home,” he mumbled, his chest hollow at the thought of pitying looks and cold exchanges. 

“That’s rare,” he startled, not expecting Iwaizumi to hear him.

“Hah, yeah.” He looked at Iwaizumi’s house, wanting affection and comfort, not his own thoughts and silence. “I’ll see you tomorrow Hajime,” he said after kissing his boyfriend on the forehead, smirking at the blush that formed.

“N-night Crappykawa.” He laughed at the flustered tone in the goodbye, walking across the street and entering his house. 

“I’m home,” he muttered as he closed the door, kicking off his shoes and going upstairs to take a shower, not in the mood for confrontation yet. 

He ate after his extensive bathroom routine, glancing at his mother’s relaxed form on the couch when he passed the living room on his way to the kitchen. 

She was well aware he was home, after all, the pot he’d dropped was loud enough. 

There was an unspoken rule between his parents that they ignored his presence when they could, he could tell. They hadn’t wanted a gay son.  
_____________________________________________

Ushiwaka towered over him even though they were both standing, face emotionless but eyes full of purpose.  
The red haired blocker and emo-version of Refreshing-kun were waiting for their captain on the sidelines, Iwaizumi waiting behind him. 

“You should’ve come to Shiratorizawa, then you’d be able to play at nationals.” The captain said it as if it was obvious. 

“How many times do I have to tell you?” He hissed. “I have no interest in moving to Shiratorizawa, I’m happy where I am!” 

Ushiwaka didn’t show any signs of backing down.  
“If you came to Shiratorizawa,” Ushiwaka carried on, “you would’ve been to nationals.” Oikawa wanted to snap. He’d heard that sentence too many damn times. “You would’ve been part of the most powerful team in the prefecture and would’ve lead your team to the highest point.” 

“Shut up!” He wanted to leave, to make him stop rubbing salt in the wound. 

He knew Ushiwaka was superior and was able to lead his team to nationals, something Oikawa never managed to do. He’d heard the whispers all around Miyagi and how he was never able to reach such heights. He always lost to a genius! 

“Miracle boy~ we’ve gotta line up now!” The middle blocker called. Ushijima turned around and nodded before facing Oikawa, but he was already walking towards his team.

“I’m everything you always wanted to be.” Oikawa froze, whipping around only to see a young Kageyama in front of him, innocent eyes looking up at him with admiration. 

“Please teach me how to serve, Oikawa-senpai!” He saw red but forced himself to calm down, well aware that if he tried to hit Kageyama he would be in trouble. 

“Please,” he gritted out as his fingernails dug into his palms, “leave me alone. I’m not in the right state of mind Tobio-chan-” he paused at the malicious look in Kageyama’s eyes. 

Being swapped out as starting setter in his final year of middle school to Tobio’s natural talent had been an incredible blow to his already cracked self-esteem, with only Iwaizumi keeping him from falling further.

“Let’s deal with the issue,” a scary grin formed with a crown and regal robe on the other setter, “you wish you were me.”

“What?” He choked out.

“Please Oikawa-senpai-”

“Shut up!” He yelled, sprinting away from Tobio, heart pumping and eyes stinging. 

Shutting his eyes, he rubbed the beginnings of tears away.

He stopped once he almost ran into a classroom door- oh, he was at Aoba Johsai now. 

He turned around from the door only to see the his boyfriend in front of him, arms crossed and eyes filled with contempt. They were the only ones in the desolate hallway...it must be after practice. 

“I-Iwa-chan?”

“What the hell was wrong with you during the match Crappykawa?” His heart skipped a beat. Was this about them losing to Shiratorizawa? “Your sets were completely off, even I could barely hit them!” Were they that bad? He knew he wasn’t as good as Tobio but if Hajime was complaining...

“You shouldn’t have let the team down like that.” He realised tears were making their way down his face when he tasted salt. “You’re nothing without me.” His heart cracked. “Without me you’re nothing at all.”  
____________________________________________

His eyes opened and he shot up, muffling his sobs with his fist. His parents wouldn’t want to hear him crying, it’s not like he’d get any comfort from them. 

Throwing the covers off of himself, Oikawa stumbled to the bathroom and locked the door, sitting against it and rubbing his eyes with the sleeves of his alien top. 

Useless.

No good. 

Burden.

He knew he wasn’t the best at volleyball and he wasn’t good enough to lead them to nationals, countless losses had proved that, but his thoughts were screaming at him and he didn’t know what to do.

His heart beat increased at the thought of failing next season; if he couldn’t bring them up to nationals then, how would he bring success to a new team? If he couldn’t rise to nationals with Iwaizumi -someone who he’d been with since he was 5- what would he be able to offer? 

Tears continued to assault his face and he deemed it pointless to stop them, so he cried until there was nothing left but turbulent thoughts. 

He lifted himself up with shaky limbs and looked in the mirror, not surprised to see snot and tear tracks all over his face. He was a mess yet again. 

Could he go for a run? Yeah, it’s not like his parents would stop him. Did it mean he should? He glanced at his throbbing knee. He shouldn’t, but it was the only way to make his thoughts shut the hell up. 

He washed his face and took his medicine -he needed to buy another bottle soon- before throwing on his tracksuit bottoms and trainers; locking the door as he left, he jogged at a steady pace, slowing down around the uneven parts of the pavement. It would do him no good if he fell at this point.

The sky was clouding over, more clouds covering the moon as time went by. It would rain soon. 

One

Two

Three

Four

Five 

Repeat. 

Where should he go? Did he need a destination? No, all he needed to do was jog around the block for a while until he tired himself out-

His ringtone played, startling him and distracting him from the uneven ground, making him trip and meet the gravel with his face. 

“For gods sake!” He cried out, lifting himself into a sitting position before picking up the phone. It’s not like anyone would care about a fallen jogger at night, even if it was a bit odd. 

“Hel-”

“What the hell are you still doing up?”

Oh.  
Iwa-chan saw he was awake.

“Hmm, nothing much, I’m only jogging.”

“Did coach tell you to tell it easy? It’s 12:30 Shittykawa!”

“I said I’d go in once I got tired-”

“Your definition of ‘tired’ is passing out where you stand. Go home or come to mine.” 

His eyes flickered to the dark household with past memories of comfort and present memories of rejection. 

“I’ll go to yours.”  
____________________________________________

He was wearing one of his boyfriend’s hoodies and laying in his lap, both of them on the couch. 

“You wanna explain what’s going on with you?” A calm voice asked. No hidden intent behind it, only pure concern. He swallowed at the thought. 

“A-am I enough?” He blurted out, cursing himself the second he said it. He didn’t need to burden Iwa with his worthless thoughts. 

“W-what?” He couldn’t bring himself to look at his boyfriend’s expression. “Tooru, sit up.” Oikawa sighed before moving to sit opposite Iwa, staring at his hoodie sleeves. “Tooru,” warm hands cupped his face, “of course you’re enough.” 

His breath shuddered as tears made their way down his face. 

Iwaizumi tenderly wiped away his tears as rain pelted the window, wind grappling at leaves and dragging them down to the pavement.

“You did your best today, you know that right?” 

“Iwa-chan,” he whimpered, “my best isn’t enough. A-and I know there’s six people on the court and I know the stronger six win, b-but I’m meant to lead you all and I can’t do that when I’m so weak-” 

“-you’re not weak.” Iwaizumi’s hands moved to his shoulders. “It seems I’m not able to get it in your head how strong you are, physically and emotionally. You withstand what happens at home every day and on the court you’re unstoppable once you get going. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at you and thought ‘he’s going places many won’t reach’.” 

Oikawa wiped away his tears, surprised when no more came out. He’d cried himself out.

Iwaizumi was his pillar, someone who would support him whenever needed and trust unconditionally and vice-versa. 

“C-can we go upstairs? I need to clean myself again,” Oikawa weakly smiled as Iwaizumi nodded. 

He let out a surprised yelp when his knee buckled and he fell forward, thankful Iwaizumi caught him before he hit the floor. 

“I told you to rest your knee you dumbass,” Iwa muttered, helping Oikawa stand up before carrying him bridal-style (he secretly marvelled at his boyfriend’s muscles). 

“I-Iwa-chan, you don’t need to carry me like this!” 

“It saves time.” He wasn’t able to argue because Iwa carried him upstairs and set Oikawa down on his bed, handing him some tissues before kneeling down in front of him and rolling up his tracksuit bottom to over his knee.

“I- ow, Iwa-chan don’t prod so hard,” he hissed, blushing when Iwaizumi kissed his knee after pressing down on certain areas.

“I’ll be back in a minute, I’m getting an ice pack for that, don’t move,” his boyfriend warned as he went downstairs. 

“It’s not like I’ve got anywhere to go,” he murmured before blowing his nose on the tissues and throwing them in the bin. 

Iwaizumi walked into the bedroom a few minutes later with an ice pack, handing it to Oikawa and watched him ice is knee.

This is how his life would be if he didn’t take care of himself; a liability who could never reach the top because he could never be as talented as Ushiwaka or Kageyama and he always fell back on someone-

“Something else is bothering you.” Oikawa startled as Iwaizumi’s voice broke through his thoughts, but decided not to meet his eyes. Iwaizumi could be as observant as him sometimes and he didn’t want to deal with his nightmare now. “I won’t press to find out now if you don’t want to tell, but I want to find out in the morning.” 

“Okay.” 

“Good,” Iwaizumi kissed him on the forehead. “Now let’s go to sleep.” 

The bed was barely big enough for both of them to fit, but they managed; years of practice helped with that.  
He would have to deal with his demons in a few hours, but with Iwaizumi’s arms acting like a shield he would sleep soundly. 

“Night Tooru.”

“Night Hajime, love you.” Oikawa had said it so many times at this point that there was nothing to feel embarrassed about, but Hajime always blushed whenever he said it.

“Love you too.”


End file.
